I wondered when the next burst would come. Often, I worried it would never come at all. 11:45 pm on a Thursday wasn’t expected, but sometimes the best nights strike you by surprise. Maybe it’s because I spoke to my best friend on the phone for 50 minutes this morning, or that my long-time crush just used the words, ‘pretty great’ in a sentence. Or that I’m overthinking the weight of “pretty” and “great” because I’ve had one too many sans spritz Aperol’s over dinner and it was me who messaged in the first place. Regardless, it’s been a strange time. One where writing my day to day goings doesn’t feel significant given the state of the world. We joke about Europe changing you and once in a lifetime experiences overseas, but this will no doubt be one for the books.
It’s difficult to express my feelings on the events of late, as misguided or uninformed speech can become gross overcompensation. It’s a delicate balance and one I’m still navigating. In the meantime, I found this a good place to start. I’ve had to severely limit my media consumption, as news of White Island erupting, Kobe Bryant’s passing, widespread devastation due to mass pandemic make for an uneasy cloud of cover.
I usually find myself returning here amid some life transition, fitting given next Friday’s new chapter. For the second time, I’m staring down the barrel of vast uncertainty with an empty diary and instinct as a guide. There’s a fascinating freedom and spontaneity in living without any real obligations, other than being a law-abiding citizen and hopefully a good person. We’ve been conditioned to believe money = success and after a year abroad working hard, saving, paying off my student loan etc. etc., I’m excited to move my energy in a new direction (direction TBC). Albeit no longer towards tapa’s on the Spanish seaside, I don’t believe I’ll have many opportunities to revel in this kind of selfish unknown. It’s fun watching in parallel with friends’ engagements, house buys and new puppies, knowing it’s not my time but hoping one day it will be.
So many things still stop me from writing and I hope this is something I overcome. I’ll no doubt continue to ramble and use commas in the wrong places, but the catharsis in putting feeling behind words is almost unrivalled. Considering I spent many an evening trying to learn code, before messaging my friend Dylan who set up 80% of this site for me. I put the below into notes late March, and early June, still in some form of lockdown, it still rings true. In some ways, I hope there are parts of this time that stay with us forever.
“And through this, we gain perspective. Becoming all the more thankful for sights seen and the ones beside us along the way. Allowing ourselves to mourn moments that could and should have been, before taking time to pause, processing a cruel phenomenon beyond our control. Though physically confined, our minds have never been more free. With less distraction, we grant ourselves the opportunity to evaluate our internal landscape in its entirety. Separating intrinsic values from surface desires as we champion health and release ego. Let’s dedicate this time to read, write, think, create, and learn to love like we haven’t before.”