It’s nearly April and this year’s been great, maybe even too great? So much so that I get a bit nervous and half expect something bad to happen soon… I don’t feel cured, but I do feel in a reasonable enough headspace to chat about what it really felt like to be depressed (for lack of a better word).
You feel like you’re on autopilot
Sort of like functioning at half capacity. You’re there, but not really. You sort of mull through the days completing the bare minimum, with no drive or desire to achieve more. Nothing about you feels like you and it straight up sucks.
Everything is an effort
Making new plans is out of the question and cancelling what’s existing is a given. Your ability to focus is kaput and not even the comedic appeal of Netflix seems enticing. Honestly, getting out of bed is an achievement in itself.
You’ll get told to do something nice for yourself
Suggestions take the form of running a bath or spraying your favourite perfume, but this does little to help, except maybe for a fleeting second. The nicest thing you can do is sleep.
Crying is almost a hobby
You’ll feel your eyes well up at any given moment and tears are so sporadic you’re not even sure what you’re crying about anymore.
You’ll be asked, “so what’s triggered this?”
More often than not the answer will be, “I don’t know”, which only adds to the frustration. Confusion and feelings of ungratefulness follow as a result.
Drinking is dangerous
Mixing a depressant with depressive thoughts is never going to be a good idea. Let alone adding anti-depressants into the mix, which is just a recipe for disaster.
You’ll feel sick
Possibly with a combination of anxiety and worry, or just emptiness because your appetite is non-existent. People may even comment you look a bit off, and there’s not much left to say, you know you do.
It feels like it will last forever
It won’t, but it sure feels like it. When bad days turn into weeks/months, feelings of helplessness become second nature. You’ll feel sorry for your friends listening to your drivel and question how you even have any in the first place.
It gets better
Something good will happen and you’ll feel it. I can’t remember what mine was, but I wrote it down. On a little laminated card that’s lived in my wallet ever since.